I am the backup friend

I have often felt like I am consistently seen as a second choice, a bit generic, as if I am easily forgettable. It seems that I am an afterthought because everyone always remembers Kaolee, who consistently comes in clutch. Kaolee who has a handle on it. Kaolee is fine. I have always had the impression that people reach out to me only when it is convenient for them. I am not the first person they invite to a sporting event, concert, or for a casual hangout where we can relax in comfy clothes, watch movies, and enjoy snacks together. Instead, I am the person they ask because no one else followed through and they need someone to take the extra ticket that was already paid for. I am the one who brings the snacks. I am the one who's on time. I am the one who will drive. I am the person who gets asked last because everyone else was too busy and couldn't commit. I'm the one who can plan a party or gathering a month out with lots of heads up all for 2 people to show up and that's if my best friend or partner can show up.

I put a lot of effort into being consistent, trustworthy, and relatable. I desire genuine friendships and a supportive and consistent community. I understand that trust and relationships are built through a series of moments rather than one defining event. I recognize life gets busy and things change. However, it raises the question of when to stop investing in relationships that feel one-sided or when others' "efforts" fall short. Where is the line between patience and trusting the process, and then having self-preservation? These thoughts and feelings greatly influence how I approach my relationships with people.

It's funny the amount of times I'll say out loud in front of people I know that I feel generic or that I'm not memorable, and I'm quickly told "that's not true", "don't say that", I can't help but roll my eyes. It is true. It's my feelings. My experiences. It's what I've felt for most of my life. People don't just say things like this if they don't feel it. I love my friends, don't get me wrong they're great people. But even I recognize I fall short and shouldn't dismiss people's feelings. (Cognitive dissonance people!) I know I've been the one to occasionally bail on plans the night before or show up an hour late. I also recognize that I have to be the one to tell people things could be better and be the example and hope that people recognize this and do better. I most importantly have recognized that I have to tell people that I recognize them. Not to hear it in return but I know the feeling of not being recognized and that people shouldn't have to feel that same pit that I've felt lots.

I overthink a lot. I know this. I do it because I don't want to get things wrong. I have to check the narratives both in my head and actuality.

My last thought I want to share about being the back up friend. I can open up about vulnerable topics without becoming too emotionally attached. It takes me a while to form emotional connections, and even then, I am hesitant due to the fear that I won't be chosen or considered in the same way I do for others. When I care about someone, I invest a lot of myself into the relationship. I understand that people come into our lives for different seasons, and sometimes that's all there is. However, there are also individuals who stick around forever, and they are truly remarkable. Despite my awareness of this, I still experience moments of feeling like I am an after thought. I am uncertain if there will ever be a day when this feeling completely disappears, but I strive to remain hopeful that amidst the times when I feel lonely or like the last choice, I will continue to find incredible people who become lifelong friends and genuinely choose me.