I recently shared this story with a friend so it’s been on my mind. I didn’t realize how traumatic this event that happened was.
Days before the one year mark of L and I splitting I got an email. He was telling me we were meeting up. I was confused. Up until this email we actually hadn’t talked in months because he didn’t want interactions with me because we wanted different things. We spent the last year going back and forth trying to be civil. Giving each other space. Ignoring each other. Trying to date again. Trying to date other people. And everything in between. So to see any message from him was a surprise. I was a push over, or maybe just desperate to hear from him because I loved him so much, but I agreed to.
I wish that I remembered more details from that night, I mostly remember how I felt.
That night L prefaced that the meeting was for him to tell me what he wanted to say and that what I would have to say didn't matter. He told me that over the last several months that he had hated me, to my face. I remember sitting there in shock. I went blank. Probably turned a little pale. I don't think I had much to say mostly because I couldn't believe that someone I was so in love with could say that. Someone who had loved me so much could say that. I couldn't fathom someone who knew me so well could hate me so much. Or maybe it was because he knew me so well that it was possible to hate me.
Continuing that night he told me about how he talked to his sister S. And how she suggested that maybe he needed to voice this out loud or to tell me directly. I kind of wish he would've just emailed me telling me he hated me. I feel like at some point he even asked said something a long of the lines "you don't have anything to say?" I probably responded with, "what's the point, you said what I had to say didn't matter". I remember swelling up with tears and the beginnings of an anxiety attack. I honestly can't remember much more after that bit of the meeting.
I used to think about how that night actually ended. I would wonder what it would've looked like if he had let me share my feelings. I replay what I remember to see who had the last word, if we hugged, or really anything. I do know that I threw away my burger and fries and I haven't eaten at Smashnurger since January 1st 2019. I remember being furious for a while after that. It all felt so unfair.
When I finally addressed this memory I didn't realize the intensity of negative feelings tied with it. There were moments where I would get furious, I got incredibly sad, as well as moments of confusion. I sometimes wish I would've said more at the time, but I think it was a time that I needed to shut up and listen because I had been bad at listening for a while. Particularly with L. L is also a man of a few words and if he was coming to me with such strong emotions after ignoring me for a while, it was important to listen to him. For a while I was at the intersection of recognizing where he came from but also being furious with him all while wanting him back because I loved him so much.
When I had shared the demise of this relationship with my friend and thought about this memory. I realize I wasn't over it like I assumed I was. Of all of the the interactions I had with L, this was probably one of the saddest and worst ones. It might be the many years that has passed and moving on that there's a veil covering what it actually was like but I'd like to think there was a lot of good in the relationship. I think one of the things we did well in our relationship was that we never yelled at each other. Throughout the 2+ years of being together and even after the end of our relationship when it soured we never yelled. I think that this was a sign that we cared about each other a little bit even with the circumstances.
As I write these things and looking at old messages and screenshots to better remember things, he was more ready to move on than I was and I couldn't accept that. I couldn't accept the circumstances for over 2 years after we broke up even with getting into a new relationship (that new partner was a saint for real for real). I've also convinced myself that L probably had to remove me from his life because it was easier to cut off all ties for self preservation.
I shared about how sometimes music it's differently and I can feel it so deeply. It was actually the song Happier by Marshmello that did it for me and honestly really helped me move forward. It was interesting because I simultaneously saw this song's message in perspectives applicable to me and for him. I remember some people not liking it but this song seemed to describe the thoughts and feelings I had. It also helped me to respectfully leave L alone because I loved him sooo much I really just wanted him happy. I wanted to be freed from pain. I wanted to leave with positive memories because we had created so many beautiful moments that were worth remembering.
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